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Stop Signs are Forever


Who holds the keys to wedlock?

Growing up as a preacher’s kid, I would conservatively estimate the number of weddings I’ve attended at 1.7 billion. And over those years of watching my dad do his thing between the bride and groom, I learned quite a bit about weddings.

Judging fourth-dimensionally

In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. On that much, we can agree. The list of things beyond that which can be stipulated is pretty scarce, but in summary: someone at some point decided Columbus should get credit for discovering the Americas. Someone else, in turn, decided that was reason enough to declare a holiday on the anniversary of his “discovery.” And bingo-bongo, bank cashiers have been big fans of Cristoforo Colombo ever since.

Stop signs are forever: Who’s ruling?

Congress was not in session on Monday, October 6, 2014. No bills were passed. No votes lodged. No floor speeches speechified. Most of our elected representatives weren’t even in Washington, in fact. And yet the federal government took a step on Monday Oct. 6 that will affect more people than every piece of legislation that has passed through Congress in the last four years.

Putting the ‘err’ in ‘Teacher’

Back in my home state of Colorado, there’s been a ton of hullabaloo recently over teacher-led protests in a Denver suburb. People are angry because a school board member said she favored slanting the AP history curriculum toward conservatism, but the reason for the protests isn’t really germane, anyway.

Crime and punishment

When we’ve been bad little boys and naughty little girls — or rather, when we’ve been caught being bad or naughty — the government has two main ways it likes to get even: it takes our money or it takes our freedom. Run a stoplight; your penance is some cash. Run a stoplight naked, they take you to the clink. That’s our criminal justice system in a nutshell.

Scotch on the rocks

I am no expert on Scotland. I can point to it on a map — which, troublingly, puts me among only one-third of Americans — but I’ve never been there; never even known someone who was born there. What I do know about Scotland has basically been gleaned from Mel Gibson and that one episode of “Parks and Recreation” where Ron Swanson visits the Lagavulin distillery.

Clapped out

In his 1973 opus “The Gulag Archipelago,” Russian novelist and historian Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn relayed a story from a Soviet party conference during the rule of Joseph Stalin, noted dictator and late-night cinema enthusiast . The Communist leader had just given a rousing speech — or at least I assume it was rousing, given what happened next:

Putting the ‘you’ in utopia

It’s a great premise, I’ll give them that. Executives at Fox have green-lit a new reality show, slated to hit your boob-tube Sunday night, called “Utopia.” The network is dumping 15 people onto a secluded compound and tasking them with creating a society from scratch. It’s a little bit “Survivor,” a little bit “Lord of the Flies.”

Stop signs are forever: Checkpointless

It’s Labor Day Weekend across this great nation, which means a three-day weekend of barbecues, trips to the lake, and, of course, the temporary suspension of the Fourth Amendment. It’s one of those rare occasions when we can reconnect with old friends, provide the kids with some life-long memories, and be subjected to search and seizure methods on par with a third-world country.

Buckets of misplaced charity

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few weeks — and even then, I imagine the icy images would have found their way under your slab — you’ve likely heard of the “Ice Bucket Challenge.” If you haven’t — maybe you’re an Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer , I’m not here to judge — it’s a bunch of people ostensibly trying to bring attention to Lou Gehrig’s disease by dumping freezing water over their heads. For all its faults, at least that step in logic makes sense.

The pain game

Finding yourself in a predicament whereby you’re forced to come into contact with the American health care system is the very definition of a lose-lose. You already have a serious problem, or you wouldn’t be at the hospital in the first place. Very likely, you’re in pain. And you know there exits all these tremendous substances of chemical amelioration that could make you feel better. But in order to possess and ingest one of those substances, you have deal with a bureaucratic system that seems purposefully designed to prolong your suffering.

The need for speed … limits

So begins the Wikipedia article on inertia: “Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to any change in its state of motion, including changes to its speed.” Simply put, things don’t change on their own. It takes force. It takes friction.

The cold, cold heart of the anti-capitalists

So there’s this movie called “Snowpiercer,” and it has quietly become the darling of the Internet over the past few months. It was created by South Korean director Joon-ho Bong, stars “Captain America” Chris Evans, and exists in that B-level, indie mezzanine between blockbuster and straight-to-video.

‘Fair’ pay for fair play?

Big 12 athletic conference Commissioner Bob Bowlsby made headlines recently when he took the opportunity to blast the National Collegiate Athletic Association as an exploitative sham organization that turns a blind-eye to schools who win by cheating. Both of those accusations are of course true, bordering on undeniably so.

The honey-do tax

Take a moment and step into my time machine, dear reader, and let us travel back to Babylon, 1772 BC. Here on the banks of the Euphrates River, we’ll first make a quick stop at the temple of Esagila to tip our caps at the shrine of Nabu. I’m told he’s the Assyrian god of writing, and certain columnists could use all the help they can get.

‘Supreme’ for a reason

I don’t know about you, but my social media exploded in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to permit Hobby Lobby’s moral objections to federal contraceptive mandates. Facebook became a stream of hyperbolic screaming and metaphoric eye gouging and smarmy, snarky, eye-roll-inducing attempts to be clever. Twitter fed me line after line of politicians and celebrities waxing philosophic, each more eager than the next to jump on the pro- or anti-SCOTUS bandwagon.

The preacher’s rules

Today is a big day for my family, but Sunday’s always are when your dad is a pastor. I suppose, “was” a pastor is more technically correct, but then, that gets to the reason today is special. Today marks the last day behind the pulpit for my dear ol’ pops, as he’s retiring from his church in small-town Colorado after more than 20 years.

The elusive loophole in ‘inclusive’ capitalism

A few weeks ago, a few hundred filthy-rich people from around the world gathered in London for the inaugural Conference on Inclusive Capitalism, which billed itself as seeking to “to define concrete steps that all of modern capitalism’s stakeholders can take to renew trust and deliver better social and economic outcomes for all.”

Open-carry protests unlikely to sway undecideds

Among those who own guns and consider the Second Amendment just as vital today as it was in 1776 — I count myself a member of both those groups — there is a small segment of people who are passionate about open carry laws. Groups of said individuals have taken to congregating at various stores and eateries armed to the teeth in order to remind society that there’s nothing stopping them from ordering a breakfast burrito with an AR-15 slung ‘round their neck.

Freedom* of speech

There are two essential ingredients to any argument: a disagreement, of course, but a topic of ambiguity, as well. If an argument lacks that latter element, it’s not really an argument anymore, as who can disagree with a certainty? For instance, if my wife says the trash is full and I say it’s not, we can pop the top and have a look-see inside the receptacle, thereby removing any ambiguity. But if my wife says the trash needs to be taken out and I don’t concur, well, then we’ve got a good ol’ fashioned spat on our hands. The timeliness of chores is a matter of personal preference and therefore fair-game for debate, but I’m sure I don’t need to tell that to anyone who’s ever tied the knot.

A plea for restraint(s)

At the risk of being too controversial, let me stipulate something off the bat: Wearing a seat belt is a good idea. Each person in a moving vehicle should wear one because, hey, being alive is pretty alright.

The NCAA as diversion

It has become pretty popular these days to bag on the National Collegiate Athletic Association, and it’s not hard to see why. An organization that exploits the labor of its employees — 60 percent of whom are black — while paying its executives millions of dollars ranks just above a plantation in terms of ethical business practices.

Slings and Aereos

A plucky little start-up called Aereo has the entertainment-lawyer complex in a tizzy. What the company does, in essence, is allow you to rent a small television antenna and corresponding hard drive, located off-site at an office in your city. Aereo subscribers can log on to the company’s website and watch broadcast television at their convenience instead of whatever timeslot the network bosses think best. It’s like a DVR, but Aereo doesn’t pay the networks anything for capturing and storing the free broadcasts, and therein lies the rub.